h- hello… your local grouch pod here to vent

There really is no good day to write a very first blog, and so naturally one would be emotionally charged enough to write on a particularly bad, no good day. Those kinds of crummy days you think of when you are just, well bleh. An “I’m only happy when it rains kind of day.” A day where capriciousness reigns supreme and rears it’s ugly head, as if I’ve been usurped by a pouty hemming and hawing child with arms full-on crossed. It would have to be in the middle of the slow-falling confetti of a full blown pity party.

Yep, that seems like a good place to begin (nope, no hint of sarcasm here..nope,nope,) a state of consistent crabby and grouchiness, “mad at the universe” mentality, where even your precious pets and best friends seem to be conspiring against you. (This is not the norm, I swear I’m a nice person, but today there are straws breaking this poor camel’s back left and right, I promise my mind will be better after this episode passes.) I guess today was fuel enough to astral project me over into the blogosphere that I’ve been casually avoiding and side eyeing for quite some time now….weeeeeeeeeee here I come people!

I should probably introduce myself here before I proceed with my vent of today and give a little backstory for anyone who might be cuckoo enough to stick around and hear more things…(Also, if this is too much commitment to read a long intro, skip over this lengthy drabble and go to the bulleted Cliffnotes I’ve added at the end of this long-ass paragraph. You’re welcome 🙂 My name is Alicia, but most people call me Allie (I’m a pretty chill and easy-going person; I don’t get caught up on the spelling, so no one is offending me by writing out one of its variations, I answer to all) I am an elementary school teacher who has been teaching K-1 for at least a decade. I have two cats, one an orange tabby, my handsome boy Dante and a gray tabby petite pretty girl named TigerLily. I am a lover of art, which I’m sure at some point I will blab/post about. When you hear “art” you are probably picturing a curator or critic surrounded by drawings and paintings, which is a rightful assumption as it is under the art umbrella, but I suppose I should clarify that I have attached my identity more to the aspect of the process of “creation” in art. Creating could be anything for me: writing, drawing/painting mediums, music, textiles etc. (you get the idea) but my intention is to definitely touch more on this topic and what it means for me later. The other part of me, this entwining of creation to my self, ironically has more to do with the “un-creation” aspect of my life, which is being infertile. I have a partner in crime in this life, he mostly goes by one of three pet names: Honey (yes his real name starts with Hun,) Joon or Joonie. He and I are not legally married, but we have been together for better or worse since 2007. We have been trying to start a family for the last 5 years (I don’t count 2015 because we were considering going our separate ways and we were apart that year.) We are in the middle of the IVF realm, and are gearing up for IVF retrieval #4 hopefully in June 2019. Definitley more posts to come up regarding that adventure. Also, did I mention I love BTS???? It seems as though they are a popular topic these days, and I have to say I’ve been a fan of theirs for quite a long time. I must say as an introvert, and a hard core avoider of social media, I usually don’t have lots to (publicly) say about them. I’ve been very very tight-lipped about them up to this point, but because I’ve seen a lot of angry, ignorant, greasy and baseless comments/writings regarding BTS, I wanted this blog also to be a safe space for me to talk about them, and bring positive, (hopefully) thoughtful banter on them. What you will get is mostly my thoughts on their music and them as human beings. (I take exception to my bias Yoongi though because I turn into a full blown fangirl when reflecting and making observations about him, but I will try my best not to go overboard when mentioning him…I’ll TRY I SWEAR.) I love love love music and books and spend my spare time either reading or checking out new music, so if you are looking also for recommendations, I will get into that as well.

My identity as “cliff noted” by me:

  • Hi my name is Allie
  • I teach elementary school
  • I am infertile as hell
  • IVF sucks sweaty balls
  • My mans is Joonie
  • latino and asian household
  • My kitty fur babies Dante and Lily
  • BTS! BTS! BTS!🔍🤓🔎
  • art is rad
  • humor is too
  • eyeballs deep in therapy
  • nice calm introvert

Okay so real quick, I just wanted to vent out my pity party as it is now late ass o’clock. In a nutshell: my mom is sad after taking in my now divorced (and horribly ungrateful) sister into my parents’ home and is doubting her kind identity because of snide remarks my sister is making (she vented it all on me for a couple of hours; I’m happy to listen, but I’m also emotionally spent.) Joon was being a horse butt yesterday by picking a useless fight, stemming from an opinion of Joe Biden no less 🙄 WHY!??? why universe just whyyyyyy??? IVF over time, has been causing my self esteem to take a 90 degree nosedive into the ground, as I’ve been shoving pills and injections into my body for the last oh I don’t know two years; doctors grounding me from my vigorous aerobic runs and workouts, making me feel like a weak, chemically imbalanced, no longer a lean and fit person. Said self esteem has finally hit the ground fyi. Also today, calculating the money I would need for more IVF (RIP my wallet.) To compound to that, I was on the phone with a college lady regarding masters degree inquiries and hearing all these giant tuition numbers *dry gulps* was sending me as well. Aaaaaand lastly, my best friends bailing on me in my time of need; when I asked them to be with me (my mom was venting to me so they went and did their own thing without me or even bothering to offer any support after I called one of them. Ugh. I was so mad. )That’s when I grumbled all the way home, listening to “music to soothe anger” music on youtube. I’m sure to anyone else this may seem reaally dumb and petty, but I needed to sit in my feelings, my subconscious acerbating these issues with the profound sense of loss that exists right now and is weighing on my heart. I just lost a most precious embryo in a failed FET (frozen embryo transfer) and it seems to be the underpinning of all my exaggerated, blown up feelings. Someone didn’t return my pen? Rage. Joon not helping with chores? Rage. Not making the yellow light?? Raaaage. And not in a crazy, frantic lunatic, speaker-voiced screaming rage, but a quiet rage, that tightens my fists and chest, reminding me of not just my own suffering, but just the suffering that exists in general. For myself, for my family and friends…animals, strangers..everything that is alive on this planet.. What kind of cage does the universe have us in that we can’t break free from? I guess this is what is called existential rage.

The rage of knowing others depend so much on me, and having to always seem okay for others: my students, my family and friends, even when I myself, am falling apart into pieces, who is taking care of me? I know this all sounds hella emo, but these feelings are REAL and I have to sit in them (as confirmed by my therapist.) Especially on days where I feel most alone. I’m 100% certain I will cringe reading this later on, but it’s my truth in real time and I have to be okay with that, as cringey as it seems. The marble jar of my life, that I’ve so carefully curated, crashed all over the place and I need to go on this uncertain journey to figure out how to (hopefully) pick up the pieces, as well as putting the pieces back together.. #healingtime